- Problem: Book falls repeatedly from hands; muscle control tenuous; apparent disruption of nerve functioning, possibly accompanied by giddiness and maniacal behaviour.
Probable cause: If these conditions are unusual, you have most likely been dosed with BZ (quinuclidyinyl benzilate), a superhallucinogen tested extensively by the US Army Chemical Corps in the 1960s and 70s.
Solution: Wait three days under constant supervision before again attempting to read book.
- Problem: Book is comprehensible and appears to be missing several hundred pages.
Probable cause: You’ve purchased a copy of Spiral Agitator believing it to be Finnegans Wake by James Joyce.
Solution: Return to bookseller and demand a refund or exchange.
- Problema: El libro es incomprehensible.
La causa: Probablemente tu compraste la edision de ingles de Spiral Agitator por error.
Solusion: Contrata un traductor.
- Problem: Book appears to be charred; text smudges easily, if discernible at all.
Probable cause: Extremist fundamentalists have attempted to burn your copy of Spiral Agitator.
Solution: Repent before it is too late.
- Problem: Book seems to melt in your hands, yet in appearance is ultravivid, perhaps ‘more real than real’; typography sharply defined, yet difficult to focus on; passages yield different semantic and typographic content upon rereading.
Probable cause: You may be asleep, in the clutch of what the waking call a dream. Go to the poem entitled ‘What Happened’. Its first nine lines should read as follows:
Joe was beaten by a tuba.
Marietta was convicted by a seaman in Goa.
Clarence was contraindicated by a cretin.
Sally was written by a hack in detox.
Mory was scammed by an ounce of sativa.
Tina was baptized by a concubine.
Salvador was perverted by a leather saloon.
Ursula was wasted by a pot-hole.
Nikolai was constipated by a spat.
If passage is not identical to the above, you are probably ‘dreaming’.
Solution: Here are your options: (a) recognize your oneiric state and turn it to your advantage by inventing then exploring the world around you according to the whims of your own imaginative desire, or (b) take this as a prompt to gently wake up, saying to yourself upon having done so: ‘It was only a dream’. Read book again. If problem persists, consider the first Troubleshooting tip. You may also wish to refer to the Lucid Dreaming Reality Test section of Straunge Wunder or The Metalirious Pleasures of Neuralchemy by the same author.
- Problem: No picture. No sound. VCR making growling noise.
Probable cause: Book has not yet been made into a movie.
Solution: Wait several months then inquire at your local video rental shop. If Spiral Agitator is still not available in video format, reinsert book and make the most of it. Adjust tracking.
