The Long and the Short of It

The good news is that the earth is round (or roundish, anyway).
The bad news is that it’s floating in space.
The result is that we’re going to have to think fast.

The good news is that our bodies are mostly water and so are
      relatively inexpensive to maintain.
The bad news is that, due to global warming, water levels are rising.
The result is that it’s impossible to keep your head above water, unless
      you drain it.

The good news is that the century is almost over.
The bad news is that another one is about to begin.
The result is that there is nowhere to hide.

The good news is that tons of radio waves are passing through us
      at all times.
The bad news is that we can’t hear them unless we buy a radio.
The result is that we’re left with a sense of violation and dismay, which
      is sometimes unintentionally transmitted to our fellow beings.

The good news is that the government has fallen.
The bad news is that it has fallen on us.
The result is that everything will always be the same forever (not that
      it ever wasn’t).

The good news is that everything old is new again.
The bad news is that you have to pay for it twice.
The result is that the cyclical is as taxable as the static.

The good news is that the meek shall inherit the earth.
The bad news is that there won’t be much left of it after the brave
      have had their day.
The result is that the meek should probably get together and attempt
      to colonize Space at their earliest possible convenience.

The good news is that your star is rising.
The bad news is that your power animal is extinct.
The result is that you will more or less break even on the New Age.

The good news is that the Kingdom of Heaven is within.
The bad news is that you can’t find the damn thing.
The result is that you will redecorate your apartment.

The good news is that Art is long.
The bad news is that Life is short.
The result is that you should invest in Art while you’re still alive.