THE CIVIL WAR

The South seceded from the Union. 1860. Long bloody war ensued. Jefferson Davis. Abraham Lincoln, Confederate States of America vs. United States of America, who obviously didn't fit in Leo Durocher's Cub plans and was traded to the Phillies & completed 24 scoreless innings the hard way including a 5-2 soaking from Atlanta.

So Robert E. Lee stood high on his horse and said: "Presume the use in opium on junk. Presume the use of dope on opium. Six of you men were operated on by nonexistent. Flour bags of old times and laughter along the way. The war is in the making. You men. This is the big fucking thing. Slavery on your one hand, Freedom on your other, the one you used so well in Boston." He took out a big hypo and filled himself up. "Dope trodders in the sky. Yippiey-yo, yippiey-eh. Northerners and Southerners. The big cock slid in well. We had some wine and cheese and slept on the floor."

A long bloody war raged on. In a hospital. Women helping care for wounded soldiers.

"I'm hit bad," say wounded man limp through doorway with homemade crutch & arm in sling. "I was just walking along the path to a barn to sleep." The soldier moaned. "Get me to a bed."

There were men with arms cut off in hospital beds & blood all over the sheets and no flowers. The Windows were open. The surgeon was standing in a pile of bones & was hacking away at gangrene on a boy's leg. Nurses fainted. The windows were all open to get rid of the smell. The war raged on....

On a tree branch a colonel is looking at the Union troops passing beneath him. He has lost his mind. He thinks he's a man who gives presents to other people. He cuts off his cock at the base and drops it. It slides down the back of a Union shirt fast & slick.

General U.S.A. had a thick beard and drank too much & with a voice like growling paper bags.

"Send me up a bottle of that Kentucky bourbon," he bellowed to an aide as he looked over the maps spread before him. The tiny room in the back of the old tavern was filthy. It smelled of shit and old bandages. When the bourbon arrived General U.S.A. gulped it down with abandoned thirst.

"Braaaaaaaaaaagh!" he coughed, setting the bottle down and wiping mouth with back of hand. "Now where are we," he said looking back at maps.

Clara Barton		1619
thirteen		1860
Emancipation Proclamation		Sumpter
underground railroad		Grant
Calhoun		Lee
Declaration of Iindependence		Lincoln
Confederate		shot

One anecdote is told about a Union soldier named Tom who was on Space Patrol one night. Happened he saw a craft looming in the distance and as it drew close he saw space pirates about to make a pretty nurse walk the Titanium plank out into the black emptiness. He shot one warning bolt of red into the sky and yelled to the pirates to watch their moves.

"Help me, help me!" he heard the girl cry and he went after her in his space sled. He knew by rescuing the girl he'd automatically receive the new Dolly Madison Fiber Glass Electric Ice Cream Freezer. He had always thought backyard barbecues were fun until now . . . wait 'til the menu includes ice cream home made!

"Yes, we see the money, but we weren't anywhere near it till you hailed us," shouted the space pirates, who in reality were a bunch of kooks from Joe's Bar & Grill on Main St.

Tom made it near the space door where the girl in diaphanous gown and silver ringlets in her hair was on Titanium plank. He scooped her away with sled arm and drew her close and speed away. Pirates in swords and patches over eyes shout and shake fists.

"Oh, Tom, I'll be forever grateful to you," she said.

"It was my duty to the Union forces under Grant."

"Oh, Tom, the Universe is so huge and we're so far apart. Everything's happening at once. Feel my heart. I don't know if I'm real anymore."

Tom wondered if the girl was a spy.

"I know nothing at all," he said.

"Oh, Tom, take me in your Yankee arms and squeeze hot shit outta my ass. Maybe there's an answer there."

Tom turned the other way and thought about the Service. He liked the hills and lakes of the New England region he came from. He liked Service in space. On his next leave he'd go to Mars and rent a room with white walls and buy drugs with his pay.

"Oh, Tom," said the girl with ringlets. "Let me repay you for what you've done for me."

Tom bent over and the girl stuck her electrode up his prefabricated asshole and sent a joy shock from his heels to the tip of his tongue. Then she kissed him and slithered away across the ocean floor to the murky gone.

Another story goes around about a Confederate soldier named McCracken who spent a week in Hollywood trying to get tickets to the Art Linkletter Show. This was after Ft. Sumpter. He was dressed in his finest grays and stood nervous & his hands sweat with handkerchief. Finally Art Linkletter appear and ask him what he want.

"Well," say McCracken in southern drawl. "I've been here in Movieland a week now trying to get tickets for your show,"

"You're a soldier aren't you?"

"Yes sir, I am. In fact I deserted from Colonel Dawson's outfit thirty-four days ago."

"Well let's give this soldier boy away from home a nice hand, shall we ladies and gentlemen," said Art Linkletter, as an audience appeared made up of retired couples from lowa wave insanely into TV camera and jab each other in ribs. "And since we all believe in what you're doing out there we have some presents for you."

"Gosh!"

"Yes, you win a Six Foot One Hundred Pound Hebrew National Salami, a Mink Coat, a Winchester Shotgun, a Set of Wilson Golf Clubs, a Mercury 95 Horsepower Outboard Motor and many many more. Ladies and gentlemen let's give this soldier a fine hand."

Everyone clap and wave at the camera as McCracken take his gifts and leave the studio and rode back to North Carolina where he hid his gifts under a log. Then he went up to New York to one of those cheap bars on 42nd St. and said he could lick any man in the house. Months of fighting dragged on. The soldier got a two dollar room and brought a pizza with pepperoni. He didn't want to go back to the front. He didn't want to get shot at anymore. The pizza tasted good in the little diner and he liked New York. McCracken didn't care about anything. He went to Detroit and toured through the Ford Motor Company in Dearborn. The war was nearly over now. He walked into an old bar on Woodward Ave. He tried to bring his horse in. They wouldn't serve his horse and the police came and the Detroit police thought McCracken was crazy.

"The man is nutty. Let's beat the shit out of him."

Black & blue, horseflies and his uniform in tatters, McCracken rejoined his compatriots as the war ended. No one cared that they lost the war. They were glad it was over, McCracken burped & dragged his rifle along the dusty road walking towards the sun.